Tuesday, 23 October 2012
I don’t know what I’m going to ramble on about so give me a break.
I will admit I’m not the proudest of my past. I’m the prime example of ugly duckling turned beautiful swan. Once the attention started I soaked it up, took it home, went out with all that I could get. This went on for two years until I met my first boyfriend who I stayed with for a year. Then I went back to my old ways, old habits die hard or not at all so it seems. For those few months I was a wild child, I was a player, I had a ridiculous amount of swag I just got so ashamed but who cares when you have a bottle of vodka on your counter. And then at the club one night I stumbled over to one of the greatest people I have ever met. That was my second boyfriend and that lasted six months. And yes, I’m still bitter but the kid was fucking awesome I’m slowly moving on.
Now, at this vulnerable stage post heartbreak one would think that I would go back out onto the field to remind myself that I am in fact a catch. And who doesn’t like to get laid? As upcoming events are approaching like Halloween and a show later in November and whatever else floats my way I should be excited like a teenage boy except opposite… “Omg boyz! Omg I’m single!” But to be 100% completely honest that is the FURTHEST thing from my mind. Maybe it was the hold my ex has on me like you don’t understand I really fucking liked that kid but I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want to speak to boys, (okay I’ll talk to them, bat some eyelashes, but no more) I don’t want any physical contact with anyone, I don’t want to get involved with a man unless I am super-head-over-heels-impressed-“ex boyfriend who?” infatuated. And you know what? It feels damn good to be in this mindset.
Besides the new channel my thoughts are on I think I also don’t want a relationship because I don’t want to be dwelling on the past. Face it, whoever I meet next I will compare to my ex I’M SERIOUS HE WAS LIKE PERFECT and that’s not fair. Okay it’s fair at first sight but not for long after that. I just don’t want my next relationship to compete with my past NO WE BROKE INTO A BUILDING TOGETHER AND MADE A CLEAN GETAWAY.
Maybe I will get jealous when my friends speak of their potential arm candy who take them on dates and shit but my time will come. And I’m okay with not going after it anymore, I’m tired, I’m not desperate, I’ll just let things come to me, it’s when you least expect it that Mr. Right just kind of shows up…
Sunday, 21 October 2012
good deed of the day, or not.
I’ll be honest, typically I’m “desensitized” to such tragic events. Shootings, bombings, accidents are sad and all but what am I suppose to do? Thoughts and invisible prayers (because I do no such thing) goes out to those affected. The end. But today’s events in Brookfield are simply awful my thoughts truly go out to the victims and families.
Perhaps it was the last straw and my naive watery eyes opened up that this world is in fact cruel. Random acts of violence do happen. Mean and unstable people do exist. We never have control over such crazy people who are in that moment breaking. But we can be lucky, we can be grateful and we can be aware of the good things when our hearts are torn up the most.
I’ve been such a downer lately I don’t even want to hang out with me anymore. What am I so down about?: I’m a “college dropout;” I feel like I wasted 18 years of my life; I was forced to move back to Milwaukee I literally had no choice it was move back and you’re good or stay there and you get no money oh and we’ll sue you; I go on endless job openings to only get the middle finger in the form of “we’ll call you;” my boyfriend dumped me and cut off all contact for God knows what reason; I love my mom don’t get me wrong, but I’ve been on my own for the past four years I don’t want to cater to your needs do it yourself and stop asking me so many fucking questions. This may not seem like a boohoo situation but when you’re hit with ALL of them at the same time it’s very overwhelming.
The recent events of today have made me kick myself in the ass “Alex stop being such a sourpuss, you’re alive, you have all the accessories to live so get the fuck up, wipe your tears put on your cutest outfit and GET THE FUCK OVER IT THIS IS LIFE. IT’S HARD, DEAL WITH IT, WEAR A FUCKING SMILE AND DEAL AND LIVE BECAUSE YOU ARE FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE ALIVE.” Now my conscious is out of breath.
But for the fun of it let’s break each of these suckers down and turn their frown upside down.
- College dropout? Call it what you will but what’s the point of shelling out another $11,000 to get a degree in a field I despise and is totally on the way to a grave. Not to mention nobody wants to pay a writer, they want freelancers. Now is this totally a bum title to have under my belt, yes. BUT at least I had the opportunity to go to college for four years. I still learned a lot and just like that piece of paper NOBODY can take those experiences away from me.
- Yes I feel like I wasted a lot of my life. I think a lot which is my problem because it brings me to having a new idea of what I want to do so it’s like I’m on a never-ending journey. In hindsight though I didn’t waste my life away. I had different priorities. I don’t want to go in to detail but they weren’t recreational activities, it was dealing with my health, with my dad, with all these stresses. I’ve gone through some pretty shitty circumstances that most don’t. So I became a stronger person. I didn’t waste my time I was tested and I conquered. I’m probably a slight alcoholic but hey I’m not wasting one drop.
- Coming back to Milwaukee was not my decision, CLEARLY. But at least I have my mom? At least I have a family who’s accepting me and all the shit I’ve done. At the end of the day I have a room, I have clothes, I have food, I have cable and don’t forget the DVR. It’s the most unfavorable choice that was made for me but it’s not the end of the world.
- Jobs and companies and managers can suck my dick! No I’m totally kidding but they just give me that vibe of hope when I walk away when they know their greasy little nubs will never dial my number in their phone again. However let’s look at this positively. At least I’m trying? At least I’m actually going through the interview process? I could be sitting like a fat slob at home but I’m not. I should get some fucking credit for that.
- My boyfriend, my “one and only” the one I wanted to be with all the time, the one I could imagine a full life with, the person I had this connection I’ve never had with anyone just up and dumped me. Doucher disappeared like …you know there are so many bad jokes I can make here I’m going to give up. But yeah, Friday it was a spew of “I love you“‘s, the weekend remained silent, Monday it was straight up ignorance and by Tuesday morning it was the ending. An ending with blocked phone calls and no answer. I did my part, I did my part way too much between emails, sending texts via Skype, sending texts that I don’t even know if he gets. There’s nothing more I can do so I’m going to give it a rest. What did I get out of this? I got the best summer of my life. I know what I want in someone. I experienced true love. I’m devastated it’s over but I need to be happy that it happened. It happened and I wouldn’t change a thing… ok the ending I would change but it was the best relationship I’ve had with someone so I can only be thankful.
I guess the point of this is to remember things can always be worse. You choose to be happy. You get shit thrown at you and you choose how you deal with it. I haven’t been dealing well and I regret that and I’m embarrassed by my behavior. From here on out all I can do is commit myself to changing that. I choose to be happy, with or without what I have.
Saturday, 20 October 2012
I’m talking, I’m typing, constantly sharing the rapid thoughts to a dead air a white noise that I can only sense. I’m a nuisance I’m a bother but I’m no a whore. I’m desperate I’m clingy and I still want more. It’s a closed factor that makes my head spin it’s the lack of that opens up my throat. Kneeling on the floors begging to everything that doesn’t give a shit about me.
Ruthlessly hoping and seldom wishing has brought me no where. All hate subsides and all I can do is miss. Miss him. The person he is. The person I would sink into bed with every weekend. The person I would drag on walks around the city. The person that would go on trespassing adventures. My partner in crime. My comfort blanket. My person. It’s fool me once shame on you, fool me twice kill me with a dagger cause sleeping forever sounds better than thinking of you often.
Time heals all wounds and I cry like I’m in an asylum. Off and on, bitter and accepted, sore and excited, tired and confident. But the whiney voice that whispers behind me is slowly stepping back. And like an addict in the south my sun is coming out. My hands will not be tangled and my heart is closed until further notice.
I’ll never be what you want
I wouldn’t change any part of me
Just to make you stay
You had a piece of my heart
But not enough to just run away
‘Cause i know what’s best for me
Just try, just try a little harder
I’ll do my best explaining all the things I’m going through
Just try, just try a little harder
This is why I can’t adjust for you
Friday, 19 October 2012
an honest predicament.
I’m getting better at just putting words together and making them sound like professional lyrics you’d hear at Warped tour. I’ve actually found that writing it out has been making me calm down. I’m not trapped in my own head but instead I’ve created some sort of clarity by whatever it is I’m typing. I’ve realized that I resent this place more than anything and not having a job is making things more difficult considering I go “stir crazy” more often than not.
Hey remember when I asked you if you’d still like me if I didn’t have any money? And you said “yes of course.” Clearly that was the truth…
But besides writing I’ve found some other ways to keep myself busy:
Clean my room. Bake cookies. Be domestic.
When I would live by myself I actually enjoyed getting drunk and baking. I couldn’t make whole meals unless I had company because my stomach is the size of a marble but my sweet tooth was always catered too. This is an unbelievable stress release and makes me happy. It also reminds me of my favorite thing my dad has ever said to me. One time, I think I was in high school or I was visiting for the weekend, I was baking cupcakes. I found the biggest one in the bunch, frosted it, stuck a candle in the center and lit it up. I walked over to my dad and blurted out “Look! It’s like it’s my birthday but not really! Haha!” He gave me that slight smile with an eyeroll and told me “You really enjoy your life don’t you?” Sometimes I forget that I really do.
My room I haven’t quite mastered yet. Maybe it was because I was the second born and got the short end of the stick but they transferred my older brother into the bigger room with a bigger closet and little me got the smallest room with a horrible closet I want to rip the doors off. Well imagine taking everything I’ve had in a nice big apartment and attempting to keep it in a parameter 10x smaller. I get overwhelmed, I’ll get splurge of energy and tell myself “okay this is the day” but it doesn’t happen. I think I’m out of clean undies though, I’m finally motivated.
Catch up on new music.
In high school I was a certified loner. I’m okay with it, hence why I would rather be by myself most of the time and why I’m a retired music snob. I say retired because I’m not critical enough these days, alcohol has made my ass shake one too many times and my mind wonder to places I don’t recall. I’m not the prestigious asshole with arms crossed in the back but I am definitely the drunk loud girl who think I can play with the big boys in the pit.
I forgot how much listening to music makes me excited. And I’m not talking about stuff that I’ve been listening to for ages but new discoveries are what really makes my ears perk. I’m talking about those songs that I randomly select and my eyes well up out of pure excitement. That’s what I missed.
Do some money spendin’ on experiences not things.
This goes hand in hand with my music epiphany. I miss going to shows. I used to be a TOTAL show slut going to at least 3 a month. So many, my parents would get angry they did catch on to the “don’t drop me off in front” rule. I want to channel the 15 year old in me and go to whatever event makes my heart flutter in less than three words.
Am I good at it? I like to think so. Should I be doing that while I’m bored and angry? I am the poster child for when they told you in drivers ed. not to drive with “high emotions.” But hey, these cat like reflexes weren’t made for coasting. Windows down, music loud and I am in heaven.
Back to school, back to school.
I’ve spent the last month and a half going on job interviews and getting turned down it is making me a negative Nancy with a side of discouraged Darcy. So to prevent being an evil troll I have decided that I’m going back to school. I will be getting an Associate’s Degree in Administrative Professional. So office work but I’m down with that I can actually see myself having goals with this and knowing where I want to be and what I want to do. And to have this clarity that I haven’t had in, well, ever from a “job” point of view feels like so much weight has been lifted off my shoulders.